I know what it’s like to hit rock bottom, way more than once. Like one time wasn’t enough? I always connected everything back to my abuse. I still think about it all the time. The visual flashes are so strong, it consumes me. Is everything really so connected? I never even knew that was a possibility till I actually started to receive the help I so desperately needed. I have switched so many psychologists and psychiatrists and medications, I have lost count.
I hated telling my story at first, over and over again, it used to drain every bit of energy from my body. I blamed it on every external factor I could find…but the truth is, I just didn’t want to accept that part of me. I was living in denial. Pretending like everything was okay. Hoping that pretending would actually make things okay. I thought if I acted normal, I would feel “normal” again. I never wanted any of my friends to know, or my social circle to know because then I wouldn’t be me anymore.
What’s even more crazy to me, is how human beings are so good at camouflage. I wasn’t exactly an introvert, I think. I have been blessed with some amazing friends in my life, finally. It was rougher a few years ago and long before that. All these years, other than one person (the first person I confided in) and my family, not a single person knew this side of me even existed. It was like I had a whole other life. I was so scared I would be deemed a liar or that someone would tell me I was just making things up for attention.
Sadly, I wasn’t all that crazy to believe that. A person I have known my entire life once asked a family member of mine how they knew I wasn’t lying…a few tears rolled down my face and I dealt with my pain through my normal process of self-isolation and some form of self-destruction. But then the next day my mother’s voice echoed in my ears, “you’re a fighter” she’d say, every time I was falling apart. I suddenly felt like I had accepted that no matter what, one thing was for sure- ugly or not, sad or not, this was me. And I decided to own it.
When you finally find your voice, it can be scary. You think no one will love the real you. But actually, it is the only way that you will find someone who will. Until then, don’t be ashamed or afraid of anything or anyone else. You are your own support system. You’ve fought multiple battles and won. You do you. And seriously, what is normal anyway? Don’t try to fit in, because you were born to stand out!
I have been there and a part of me will always be there so I know it’s rough and this all just sounds like a bunch of words right now but trust me, I spent so much time badgering myself up that I can tell you without a doubt that it is not worth it.
Accept and be free.